the eighth

When will i learn to use my mind more than my heart?I am going to be 26 but i dont have the sense of a 12 year old mind!

For somebody like me feeling everything is more important than going by logic. If it doesn't feel right, i wont do it. How do i explain this? Does it happen to other people? Do they also feel things as deeply as me? I feel hurt at the smallest of things. I make mountains out of molehills. I m weird as a human being. i can care a lot for strangers too. Deep concern for a fellow human being, the rights and wrongs. I wish i could change my being, not be driven by emotions.

The acting first and thinking later philosophy gets me into trouble, leaves me hurt. Trusting people hurts me too. the emotionaal turmoil continues within. Sometimes i wish i pocessed Prof Dumbledore's penseive to just put my thoughts inside and observe them as an onlooker/outsider.

I worry about the most trivial of things, things which dont deserve even a minute of my life. I worry about people who might not be aware of my existence. i give too much importance to people, to friends and sometimes i expect and then i feel hurt.

I wish i could change. I hope i can change. I want to become a stronger and a better person than what i am!

the seventh

Ah, the seventh entry! reminds me of the song, saat samundar paarmai tere peeche peeche aa gayi!Granted, i can be extremely corny at times!!

So anyway, here it goes..

Field work is a lot of hard work. It is hectic because you have to walk a lot in the villages.And when you dont understand the language, you cant even communicate. So you end up being the laughing stock at times!Just the other day, couple of kids pointed at my eyebrows and said somethin in bangla which i didnt understand. Then they said "beauty parlour" what could i say to that. then they pointed at my nose, asking me why i hadn't got it pierced. And i told them i will get it done and very soon indeed. (communicated through one of the people who knew hindi n bangla:) )

So well, its nice to be away from office but trust me you visit one village or ten, if you dont know the language, there is no point!:(

the sixth

It is easy to prepare a sampling strategy in an air conditioned office at Taramani, Chennai. It is a completely different ball game altogether when you have to implement the same in a village in Howrah district of West Bengal especially when the researchert becomes the supervisor. Parched with thirst and soaked in sweat, the researcher wonders whether it makes more sense to just lose weight and become a model. (i Wish)
Then she is reminded of what a very good friend, who never answers the phone had said " let not the smiles on their faces deceive you into being indifferent to the blasts of vacuum throbbing in their empty stomachs..let not the tears down their cheekbones lure into being attached to the tragedy of their sub-human drama..coz oh dear researcher..observe with equanimity and thou shalt be observed with compassion!"
Pray but what am I? A development worker? hah! At best, i can be described as a pseudo development worker.
it becomes all the more difficult when the researcher is somebody who starts caring a lot. I mean it doesnt matter for whom. Once in my sphere of influence, i'll care about anyone and anything. So the worries start. Accommodation, food for the surveyors etc. etc.
my visits to villages. They make me apprehensive. I still cant figure out what i want. i feel happy in villages. but one thing is clear, my work is hardly developmental. It is just about receiving grants and squandering the money.
crux of the matter-area profiling study has nothing to do with development and i am not a development worker. just a shady researcher who is confused in the head. needs sorting in the head!