feeling grateful

I wonder why i started writing a blog entry on a day when i genuinely have loads to do. It is probably because i m feeling thankful. Thankful that i have a supervisor, thankful that i have comments to work on, thankful that suddenly i am not feeling alone on my path of PhD. Thank you God. It is rare, but today was the day the silent prayer went from my heart to yours. one no probably made things better. rejection isn't always bad it seems.

betrayal

What is the feeling that best describes how you feel when someone commits and then does not stand by their own word? Betrayal! All of us face it at one point or another. I have faced it many times too. In matters of the heart, in my professional life and in the starting phases of my PhD. It seems i don't have a very good reputation in my campus, it seems i am not in one of the best students, but for someone you really respect. For the word of that one person, you take a decision, TRUSTING someone to stand by you, have your back and then you realise its not there. you probably trusted the wrong person. It breaks you. It makes you become less trusting of fellow human beings. It makes something in my heart pain, it hurts me, it makes me sad. The worst part is i am going to be so wary of trusting anyone again. Its not just about one incident. Its about how i wont be able to give people chances anymore. Its about how my future decisions will be affected by the one or many times my trust was broken by someone. Its not a good feeling. Its a betrayal at some level.

from low self esteem to self obsessed behavior

People used to call me moti but i never bothered. In my head i didnt really feel fat until one fine day in Chennai when i decided i should become fitter in life and joined the gym. So i got on the weighing scales... 93 kilos..whoa! I was always on the heavy side and i used to walk regularly. In my previous stint in Bombay, I would walk till the temple and back, thats about half an hour evryday. In Chennai, walking home from office was a norm... It would take about 45 minutes but the weighing scales gave me a shock and quite a rude one. I thought i was physically active but well FAT thats what i was. I was a ball and everyone around me noticed except me till this day. So it was about six months of gym where i lost about 4 kilos. From 93 to 89 kilos. This is when i resigned from my job and reached delhi. I visited my doctor and climbed on the weighing machine where i was 89 kilos and i kept jabbering about how happy i was that i was in eighties and not nineties anymore. Thats when i was reprimanded "your body told you something was wrong at 90 kgs?" "but i am in my eighties now" "there is no difference between 89 and 90. your body should have told you at 80 something is wrong" "i have been gymming.. i lost 4 kilos" "in how much time?" "6 months" And of course the periods were irregular. Irregular, painful. they delay, the more the pain And so i was prescribed blood tests, sugar tests, hormonal tests, ultrasound. And then came the report. Polycystic ovary syndrome. Phew. I always knew something was wrong. I have known since 2007. It was the time i had started taking too much stress in life. The time when i didnt get placed, the time i was dumped. I dont think i ever moved on. Instead somewhere all the stress wrecked my body. Acne, hair on the face, weight gain, belly fat.. too much fat on the belly. It was so bad at one point in time that an air hostess thought i was pregnant. "ma'am, are you carrying?" "no well, i am just fat" Embarrassing. So with a proper diagnosis of my condition, accepting the fact that losing weight would not be a cakewalk for me, it isnt for anyone. it helped that i was home. bouts of depression are now considered a normal priya. low self esteem, well no one knew, maybe i am a good actress, maybe it is difficult for others to understand. now and then a few tears in the bathroom are a normal phenomenon. the fact that i am single at 27. to hear stuff like " it has been 5 years since your break up. you were so low on self confidence that you couild not ask anyone out" it isnt that. i guess i am scared of the hurt it brings. too much emotional attachment cant do you any good. it could be the way i looked. i ve looked better. being obese does have its drawbacks. having a beard never did a girl much good. acne-its a teenage thing. well not if you have pcod. it wont go away till your hormonal balance restores. so then began the fight, the fight against weight gain, the fight against pcod. with great support from my father, one and a half hours of rigourous walking/running and one hour of yoga for 2 months and a diet with no sugar and no oil, i was down to 85 kilos when i came to bombay in january 2012. Since january to march i came to 77 kilos by one and a half hours of intensive work out. i am still at the battle. because i wish to be 70 and someday i will be. except that it has become hard once more. anyway i aint giving up. now i am self obsessed. i have to do it, there is no other option!

the emotional turmoil of losing someone you love

the 9th of Feb, i received an sms from my father. My grandfather was no more. it took a while to sink in. He was the most important man in my life, the one who dropped me to my school bus stop, the one who brought milk for me when it was raining heavily n i was a baby, the one who accompanied my mother to the hospital when glass went in my foot, the one who woke me up everyday when i had to go to school telling me "priya rani uth ja, ghadi ki suiyan aage ja rahi hain, peeche nahi" the man who meant so much. the man to whom i would say "bare papa, dheere chalo" bcz i never liked walking till the bus stop. the one who helped me with maths, the one who donated botany books to my school, the one who even came with me to hindu college, along with my parents when i needed admission. the one i really loved. he was 90. he was really knowledgable. i keep writing was but to me he wil always be. he is the man who means the world to me. i cant believe he has gone. he will never ask me for a glass of thanda thandore pani. shantipath on diwali. the love for plants which hopefully i carry in my heart. do you know he taught me the names of all the plants in the hindu college campus when i was 4 yrs old? or lets just say i was a smart 4 yr old. i hate having lost him. i will always miss his physical presence though i am sure he is watching me.