Living on campus 1

Scene 1: At the mall in a sale
Inner voice 1 (IV1) "Yes, go on. buy that nice dress. you can wear it out sometimes!"
Inner voice 2 (IV2) "Where exactly?"
IV1: "oh, whenever you go to parties or clubbing"
IV2: "which ones exactly?"
IV1: "c'mon. u like it. better buy it. sale hai!"
IV2: "ok cool"

So the dress is in the cupboard since months...

Scene 2
IV1: "i have nothing to wear"
IV2" theres the dress.."
IV1 "yeah , but no special occasion"
IV2 "oh c'mon, wear it with jeans and go to the comp centre"
IV1 "good idea"


Scene 3
Friend "New top"
Me "well, yeah"

IV1 "I knew it was a waste of precious stipend."
IV2 "it was on sale"

Scene 4
At the cc
Friend on phone: "Hey come to wtf!"
Me "What, now?"
Friend "aur kya, nahi toh agle janam?"
IV1 "ok cool, i am wearing the dress"
Me to friend "ok, i am coming in chappals"
Friend "accha hua bata diya, even ill come in chappals.. am tired of wearing shoes to office everyday"

Hmmm, whats the point in buying new stuff when you are going to behave like a poor researcher anyway !!!

Poem 1

Striving for perfection

Pretend to be strong
all along
with a heart ever so kind
that it always hurts
so what if you are left behind
a little bit of emotion goes a long way

Life is tough
the path can be rough
the world is not quite what it seems
friends make it worth the while

turn off the thoughts
be at peace
ultimately everything works out
maybe for the best
you never know
life's plan is a mystery
unravel it slowly

running hither tither
in this fast paced life
and you see
the loneliness
the triviality of it all

Note 3

The more you do what your heart desires, the crazier they think you are :)

Irritation

Why are some people so irritating?
Why is my patience level so low?
And these are the reasons i can't reach an equilibrium.
Is it normal to hate everybody in this world?

Does it happen to everyone or i am the special person.

Why do i get the feeling that main hee sahi hun aur sab galat?

is it a big ego? Is it fragile emotions? Is it caring too much or is it just plain simple loneliness?

Note 2

The more you realise how selfish others are, the more you should strive to be who you are :)

Note 1

The more time i spend with myself, the more i appreciate the kind of person i am :)

Feeling empty

I did not speak to my best friend for four months. Blame it on my ego or his callous attitude, i am not sure.
Friends from campus are moving on. U has a job in Kerala. K is getting married in Jan. R and P are anyway finishing their tenure. S comes rarely and has a life outside campus.
My closest cousin, who is 4 years younger to me is getting married in ten days.
My thesis is still not close to completion.
The future is unsure. My NET exam is not clear. I got a rejection from PAA. I am not even losing weight anymore.
What to do? What to do?
I feel stressed. I feel disturbed. I hear other negative things about people and continue feeling empty or rather hollow inside. It seems that suddenly there is no peace in this world, in this life.

there must be some purpose to why i am here.
Steps to follow:
first, clear your mind of negativity. Take deep breaths.
Second, walk everyday. It not only reminds you of the world outside IGIDR. IT also serves as a way to interact with people who stay outside.
Third, work on the thesis. Never forget it inspite of the hurdles.
Fourth, pray, meditate. ask for peace
Five, feel happy for the ones who are moving on because soon they will want to feel happy for you
Six, life is short. dont waste it holding on to grudges. Forget, forgive, move on, have a good time. laugh a lot :)
Seven, work hard, party harder!!

Just a few instances to cheer you up:

You were eating alone at lunch. Of course you reached early. But didnt the canteen guys make you so comfortable. N and S came to sit with you.. T actually laughed saying "aap breakfast pe nahin aayin kyunki lunch aapka favourite tha aaj".

Yesterday, while walking, the flowere women gave you a red rose. Dont you feel touched by these small joys? If you have touched their lives, they have touched yours. You can be alone but never lonely. Dont fret. Life's great and as long as the heart is in the right place, nothing will go wrong. Thums up!

An attempt at a short story

She was an Indian girl from the town of Amritsar. He was a Computer Engineer in the USA. He came to India in search of a desi bride. His parents, residents of Chandigarh facilitated the process. They met through jeevansathi.com and after a meeting or 2, decided to do the exclusive thing.

He seemed decent to her. Well spoken, courteous, smart, educated. There was nothing more she wanted from her better half. The family in chandigarh was decent and verified by her uncle who worked in the government services.

Fifteen days after the marriage, she flew to the USA with her husband. Things were not what they seemed anymore. He returned late from office, more often or not drunk.

Maybe it was work pressure or peer pressure. There was no love in the marriage. Its difficult dealing with a frustrated husband. He took out his frustration on her. He beat her. Sometimes raped her. She resisted and he beat her more. She should have called 911 but the "indianess" in her kept dealing with shit.

She was educated and started looking for jobs. Its never easy in the beginning and things were taking their time. So she started babysitting. It was good money and she felt independent from the gnaws of the man and the marriage where there was no love.

One day when she returned after an evening of babysitting, he was home before her. He pulled her by her hair and beat her with his belt. Why was food not ready before he reached home.

She sat tending to the wounds on her back, which was difficult as it is. this cant continue she thought. she washed herself with water. Water, she thought. Water was her friend, an ally. It soothed her when she was in pain. and so she started thinking of a plan..

When the drunk husband slept, she froze some ice in the spiked ice tray they had at home. She didnt want to deal with bruisings anymore. He got up and ordered her to give him a foot massage. he spat on her face. She got the spiked frozen ice and stabbed him in his stomach.

He bled to his death. A drunk man who I dont feel sorry for. She had killed him but who could prove it? there was not a weapon to be seen.

The Darjeeling trip

My 30th birthday and i needed a plan. A must mast plan. Luckily for me U and K were off for a conference to kolkata and decided to go to Siliguri (which happens to be U's home town) and Darjeeling so i was asked too and i jumped in.

I left on 9th July. U and K would meet me at Siliguri. I had a connecting flight at kolkata. There wasn't much time to see Kolkata but i have already stayed there for 3 months so it didn't matter. The airport is new and i had a rum ball at the flurrys inside the airport. Soon i boarded the connecting flight and enjoyed my window seat :) U's parents sent the car for me at the airport. Right when i got into the car, i observed the tea gardens and the whiff of fresh air!

I reached U's house, met his parents, had an awesome almost ten course meal. I think aunty enjoys cooking a lot! I tried to sleep a bit and in the evening U and K arrived. We had dinner together and then watchd the football match between Argentina and Neatherlands :)

On 10th morning, we left for Darjeeling. Share cabs run from Siliguri to Darjeeling and we boarded one of them. We bought 4 tickets and took the middle seat in the cab. We stopped en route for some momos and hot chai. It was bliss. We reached Darjeeling by 2 and looked for a hotel and checked in. We then left for a walk and arranged for a car to take us around next day :)

We took a whole round of the mall road and ate some momos and chai. It even drizzled a bit. We sat at the mall for quite sometime and then went to Glenarys for an awesome dinner. K treated us! We then went back to the hotel and watched Vishwatma and then slept as we had to get up early the next day :)

We woke up at 7 and our car was waiting. Our driver was also an Argentina supporter so U had good company :)He first took us to tiger Hill where we didnt see any view because it was very cloudy but from this point, we can see Kanchenjunga. He then took us to a monastry which was so peaceful. I enjoyed sitting there and bought some knick knacks to remember the trip!

We then went to the rock garden and walked in the garden. the view was magnificent, the flora ever so pretty and waterfalls full of vitality :)

We had lunch of momos and wei wei. I even helped myself to a breezer at the stall. A man addressed the lady at the counter as aunty. himself he must be in his mid thirties and the woman maybe forty. I had to tell the man to not call her aunty. :)

Later, we went to the zoological park and the himalayan mountaineering institute where there was a statue of Tenjing Norgay :) We saw the various animals and walked outside where a man was selling almonds. He was about to dupe me into believing i hadn't paid. but luckily i found the note i had given him amidst the newspapers. We then walked to our car and our driver was not there. So U called him but he did't answer, then i called and he immediately answered. He had 2 numbers. When he came, U asked him "aapka kaunsa phone chal raha hai" and he replied "xolo ka" and winked at me:)

then we went to the ropeway. We absorbed the beauty of the tea gardens from the ropeway. U was scared so we made him sit in the middle :)

After this, we went to see the Buddhist monastry and spent some lovely time chanting. Then we went to have dinner at the place next to Glenarys where we had burgers.

At 12, we cut my cake and had a drink :)

The next morning we had my birthday breakfast at glenarys, bought tickets in the toy train till Kursheong and enjoyed the journey a lot. We kept humming mere sapnon ki rani kab aayegi tu and kaston mazza amongst other songs:)

At Kursheong, we visited a few schools which are very very pretty and also visited breeding ground for deers. Finally we visited the post office and had samosa pao before we left

We reached U's home and relaxed. Aunty gifted me a beautiful red bag. We had dinner and then went on a walk to meet Saurabh Pal, the great. We went back, had a sumptuous dinner and slept.

The next morning, we went to the Coronation bridge close to U's house. its also beautiful. We enjoyed the last morning of the trip and then headed to the airport at noon.

My 30th birthday will always be special because of this trip :) Thank you guys!

Growing apart

Sometimes friendships stumble but you are fine. At times, they fall but you kind of heal. Att times they break, they shatter on the floor, like a glass breaking, shards falling here and there, ready to pierce you where it hurts the most.

It probably doesn't hurt both sides. The miscommunications, long silences no longer congenial. They mean just one thing. You don't matter. You don't matter. And then you realise the years that you spent nurturing a friendship meant nothing to the other party, probably never did. It was a matter of convenience. It was time pass. People move on, priorities change. You wait because you feel a strange attachment. It might be what you did. Maybe what you did in the past was motivated by their happiness. But i feel free. I feel free when i realise someone is not worth it. At least you move on.

Its ok to be stupid. You are here to learn. As long as you have learnt a lesson. Scorpions and snakes are not just animals. They can be present in some humans. They don't change in nature. They will sting you. Just like this story

The Old Man and the Scorpion
One morning, after he had finished his meditation, the old man opened his eyes and saw a scorpion floating helplessly in the water. As the scorpion was washed closer to the tree, the old man quickly stretched himself out on one of the long roots that branched out into the river and reached out to rescue the drowning creature. As soon as he touched it, the scorpion stung him. Instinctively the man withdrew his hand. A minute later, after he had regained his balance, he stretched himself out again on the roots to save the scorpion. This time the scorpion stung him so badly with its poisonous tail that his hand became swollen and bloody and his face contorted with pain.

At that moment, a passerby saw the old man stretched out on the roots struggling with the scorpion and shouted: "Hey, stupid old man, what's wrong with you? Only a fool would risk his life for the sake of an ugly, evil creature. Don't you know you could kill yourself trying to save that ungrateful scorpion?"

The old man turned his head. Looking into the stranger's eyes he said calmly, "My friend, just because it is the scorpion's nature to sting, that does not change my nature to save."

Source: http://www.ic.sunysb.edu/Clubs/buddhism/story/oldmanscorpion.html
Hence, keep up your nature. Forgive and move on. Forgive yourself for trusting wrong people, for believing in them and you will be fine :)because you have a good heart :)

strange world

Sometimes walking the earth makes me sad.

2 days back, i met an old man asking for food on the street. I went,
bought 2 packs of buttermilk. I returned in 10 minutes, not even one
person had given him something to eat. I gave him the milk, walked
back feeling very very sad. No one really cares for anyone else. Its a
selfish world. Then i start questioning stuff. Why are we alive? To
what purpose? Why does no one care about anyone else?

Sometimes people do surprise me but it is so rare. Life is strange.
people are weird. My parents want me to get married. To what avail?
and the next step, kids...Why bring a new child into this place full
of misery? Adopt a child. Try and work for a better world. I dont know
what i can do and what i will do. Ill be happy to hear
your views.