B +

Somehow I have always liked Anil Kapoor. Hence I am even more fond of this dialogue from No Entry

Fardeen to A.K. "Bhai saab, aap jo ye Be positive Be positive bolte rehte ho, kya hai ye?
A.K. "Kuch nahi yaar, mera blood group hai!"

Lol.

But so important it is to be positive. Why let these feelings of feeling sorry for oneself cloud my judgement. I should be positive, be free :)

I am not feeling sorry for myself

Are you done feeling sorry for yourself?

No

You can eiter keep wasting time, doing this, crying and worrying and overthinking or you can just get set and go and finish it all. What is it going to be?


The second.

Then, are you done feeling sorry for yourself?

No, not yet.

Okay, whenever you are ready. Work is not moving forward anyway. It will wait for you to gather your courage.

I suggest you do it sooner rather than later.

Are you done feeling sorry for yourself?

Okay, yes maybe a little.

Good, lets focus on making you feel better <3

I love you okay, all the flaws , everything. I really really like you a lot <3 :*

The date

It possibly was not a date. It was after ages though i went out with a man. On a simple dinner. Picked up from home, a wonderful conversation and really tasty food. He also dropped me back and I felt really nice. It was lovely.

And then i ruined the lovely feelings because I think some expectations entered my brain... I don't know why I cant just be in the moment, enjoy it and let it be.. The expectation of when next, will this happen again..it is not easy. I am just not ready. For being with anyone..

I hurt so easy. I want to be stronger. I want to be able to be with myself always without expecting people to reply,without having to deal with this shit all over again..


I hate people from the past. There is so much baggage. Each timew someone does not reply, its like they don't care. Maybe it is true. This is what i Have learnt already, then why is it so hard to not have any expectations? Why is it so hard to not be attached again?

The heart is like those waves, they never learn. Time and again crashing on the same rocks.. Hurting itself. Its idiotic. I am an ass. (Wo S nahi , tu ass hai, gadhi hai- chupke chupke)

Diwali this year

After i lost Bade papa and went home, my badi mummy was the one who gave me the strength to move on. to understand that life was not over. She had lost her husband and I went to hug her. This is our conversation:

"Priya, this is very bad.."

And i thought she means that we lost him and i was still unsure about what to say.. and she continued

"SO many grey hair. Do something about this. "

I was partly surprised...partly relieved.. Somehow she brought me back in the normal world with this comment. Inside, I felt if this lady was so strong being with her husband for over 60-65 years, who am I to keep feeling sad?

She gave me the power.

Diwali was always special with her around. Even last year she came outside to see the rangoli. She came to see our lights and diyas and candles and decorations and compliment both Shreya and me on everything, however bad it was. "

This is the first Diwali that I am going home to when she is not around ... I know its going to be very hard for me..

In Hindus, people dont celebrate festivals for a whole year... but I will do everything.. Just the way she liked it.. I will miss you bari mumma but I hope you will be happy with whatever the three ladies of the house do . I will always love you.

Wrote this long back: Emotional Baggage

We broke up because you believed that i deserved to be happy. You thought i was a happy person and I wasn't going to be happy with you.
That YOU could not keep me happy. We were 23-25-27. you know because i kept dragging it, never letting you go. I was young and immature and i thought i was in love. hehe.

You thought my happiness was your responsiblity. It was not. It is not.

Today i want you to know (this was when i was 32), that you were not completely right. One cannot depend on others for their happiness. It is a choice one makes everyday. One has to be happy on their own accord. I believe you deserve someone emotionally stable, a happy person :)

I on the other hand, need counselling. I have to learn to stop blaming mysself for things that did not work out, for things that were not meant to be. I have to learn to be happy. Also, I will always love you but loving someone and being with them can be mutually exclusive. Especially in our case. A non happy person cannot possibly make a good partner.

PS: I am glad i took the therapy and it all worked out well :)

Art Therapy 11

17 feb 2017

All i discussed was badi mummy.
I had lost her.
I missed her.
I had not been able to fly out yet.

I discussed my tooth.

I discussed kya kha ke paida kiya tha.

I discussed how strong she was...
I love you BAdi. You the best :*

Art Therapy 10

8 Feb 2017

This session we decided a future course of action..

We decided to have 5 sessions and then take a rain check..

I think i discussed my thesis and so on..

Art Therapy 9:

28 Nov 2016

The session discussed about the back, the correct postures to sleep and sit.
I also looked at my eyes and expressed what I felt on looking deep inside.
HAppiness: Red

Peace: Blue

Loyalty: Brown

Concentration: Purple

Tears: Silver

Nature: Green

Thoughtful: Orange

Honesty: Yellow

Smile: Red

So i drew my feelings in terms of colours... learning to enjoy what i do. Trying to let the emotional peace reflect in the body...

It'll happen. It might be gradual but it will :)

Strength

He came from Lahore on the top of a train. I have travelled on top of a bus just once and was weary of paying attention to electric wires, tree tops. I wonder how he had managed on top of the train that too with so many people around.
A professor at Forman Christian College, Lahore, he needed to start afresh. Start from a scratch. In a situation where he had nothing to fall back on. He slept in someone's verndah, looking for a job in an alien environment. I wonder how he felt. .

She was from one of the richest families in Lyallpur. A kind family giving alms to the poor. She was educated.. A graduate in those days. Her cousin was married to a British woman and served in the Army. Only because of him, the family could leave Lyallpur and come to India. The family was brought to refugee quarters. In the morning they were giving away food. Now they were standing in queues to eat. She overcame all this. Never talked about it.

They met as their siblings were married anyway. They got married and raised three wonderful children, one of whom happens to be my father.

They were my strength. They were people i loved the most. I cant believe I lost both of them now. I was lucky to be born with two sets of parents. I have lost the more precious set completely on the 17th of last month. I will never forget you both. I will love you always. I hope I make you proud someday.

Losing Badi mummy

17th Feb: Neha's birthday. Badi mummy passed away.

When i lost bade papa and went home, the lady commented on my grey hair while i kept worrying about how she will feel.
I always felt she loved Shreya more. ALWAYS!

So well read. Great in her geography. It seemed my father didn't like her but he needed to know she was a human being no one is perfect. I know now he will miss her most.

I used to ask her "Kya kha ke paida kiya tha?"
Now where will i go to complain about my father? What will I do? How will i live this adult life without her. I am not strong enough. I needed her to give me Äll the best for you.

I know she loved me. I wish i had called her more. I love you badi mummy. Please give me the strength to deal with this. Give me the strength to continue living. I don't understand the purpose of anything anymore.

NP

This happened when i least expected it.
SO much attention
SO much love

Now it is very difficult to get over it! And on top of it, he increased my standards

He told me he had murdered someone

This happened to me. I don't know why such things happen to me. I think I am a healer :)

I boarded a cab when i returned from Bareilly in UP to Indirapuram. The cab was supposed to drop me home. I waited a long time before a cab accepted my request. It was 10.30 pm in UP!
This guy arrived. He was smaller than me in size. And i chit-chat a bit so as to not freak myself out or fall asleep. He said he was going to Rohini only and was scared he's have to go empty. So i was glad he had found me.

He was talking about his father, who was in the army. His brother, who was in the services too. And then he said "main hee nalayak hun". I told him to not think so as he was a businessman and driving a cab is so cool these days. You make money. you travel. And it is AC :)

He said his father was disappointed in him. His father was no more and that he was constantly thinking about it. He then told me that he had murdered someone when he was 15. That, the murder had been unfortunate. He said "aisa tha, ke ya toh main marta ya wo".

It was around 11 pm and to be honest, I dont know why he told me this. Unperturbed, i told him to not share this with anyone else. I also told him to meditate a little and forgive himself. That was important rather than overthinking something which was done over a decade ago.

I was not scared but i was kind of amazed how he revealed something so personal to me.

About me

A

I wanted to write pointers about myself lest i forget what was part of me while growing up... some of it still is...

1. I love plants. It helped that my grandfather was a botanist. I knew names of most plants when i was 4 years old. I dont remember as many now. I love them.
2. I love kittens, puppies, dogs and many a times i talk to them as I talk to humans. I have never had pets but it does not stop me from loving them.
3. I used to collect stamps and currencies.
4. I used to collect stones too. I even had ones that produced fire. No more though.
5. I am still scared of water. I love it but i Cannot swim. I have to learn. I can float though.
6. I am scared of sickness.
7. I am scared of loss, rejection and being hurt. Doesn't mean i don't try. But i am scared of opening up too much.
8. I love my family
9. I loved the mountains. Absolutely totally adored being near them.
10. I love watching the ocean.
11. I loved to read. I dont do this as much now and i should!
12. I love drawing. I suck at it.
13. I love dancing. I am not too good at it either.
14. I have a good sense of humour.
15. I care a lot.
16. I love a lot hence i hurt a lot too
!7. I am slightly self obsessed
18. I hate taking selfies
19. I love flowers, butterflies, birds, nature :)
20. I love me. I am awesome.
21. I still love animated movies.
22. I love the Godfather
23. I love to cheer someone up
24 I can be calm and collected but also anxious and agitated these days.
25 I used to love feeding the ducks at the zoo."
26 I love to walk
27 I believe in a greater power.
28 I believe we should all live without animosity, raising each others morale
29 I believe we can make the world a better place
30 I believe i am a strong person
31. I hate molesters
32. Being a woman is awesome.

Teaching Kay Krishna & Sudhama

No, I cant teach her Hindi. I know this now. When we started, I asked her questions.
Me asking Q) Krishna ne Sudhama ko dekha toh unhein kaisa laga?
Kay answering A) Krishna ne dekha k Sudhama k kapde fate fute they. Unke pair mein chappal tak nahi they. Ye dekh kar Krishna ki aankh mein aansoo aa gaye.
What nonsense. If i was queen and I had a poor friend, I wont cry! Your fault you are poor.
Me: hmmm
Me asking Q) Sudhama jab Krishna ke mahel se gaye toh kya soch rahe they?
Kay answering A) Sudhama ne socha k Krishna ne sewa toh bahut ki parantu koi uphar nahi diye.
What kind of a person was Sudhama? First, he stayed for 6 months with Krishna. Krishna gave him food, took care of him and jaate time he is saying “koi gift bhi nahi diya”
Me: ummm, i really don’t know!
I don’t think I can teach her again hhaahahhah