I am having a couple of hard days. it always happens when there is too much happening in my life, in my surroundings affecting me indirectly ..but when so much happens i suddenly realise that i do not possess it in me..to go on..
so, there is my thesis which is an unfinished story dragging on since 2007..then my leave status which is in negative, my CV which just isn't getting updated, the job search which hasn't started for me yet, the competitive exams which i never seem to clear (call it the NET) well, as of today there is no clarity or stability in life. i have gone on living not knowing what i want...it worked till today but it is getting tougher by the day. i dont think i can go on living this way. i did like my job earlier but i no longer do and i dont want to compromise because of the money it gives me. if i aint happy, i should move on. but moving on requires a courage which i lack. the fear of rejection or the ridicule i will face. i think i am a person with too many insecurities. i always was maybe...
forget that at almost 27, i do not know what i want. the age limit for most of the competitive exams is 30. but suppose i decide i want to become a doctor at 30, just because i am old, i cant get admission in a college? why do we have these age limits? if i haven't figured it out till 30?
i think the problem is in being me. i am too laidback to deal with all the competition around me or i aint hard working enough. emotions do not drive this world and the faster i understand, the better it is for me.
I am having a couple of hard days too, and mine will go on till June. I too haven't figured out alot of stuff. I still wonder if I made the right decision to come here....
ReplyDeleteBut inspite of it all, I know that somewhere inside of me, I have what it takes to survive this. And since I know you pretty well, I know you too will get past this. The kind of confusion you write about, we've all been through and honestly it's worse than even a heartbreak :p But we'll figure it out eventually. and maybe it's not so much about figuring things out. maybe it's just about going through this turmoil, so we actually begin to be a little more conscious of what matters to us than what doesn't.....
I don't know if this will make sense to you or not, but I know you will get through this. It's just one of those many phases.... can't skip them.
Love.
i know yaar but they suck big time while they last..these phases i mean..u know i have started believing in quarter life crisis now. and whats worst is 30 is knocking on my door, well almost...but anyway..thanks and yeah i didd understand what u meant. :) thanks
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